An Open Letter to the Owner of the Sink Under Which I Am Currently Living
I should like you to know that I have received the letter which you recently gave to me, and I must thank you for the civility you've shown. It's not often people show my kind respect and understanding, and I must admit it's refreshing. You really have been a gracious host, despite your many, many, many, many attempts to eradicate me.
I feel sorry to inform you that I'm unable to move immediately from the underneath the sink; see, I've no where to move to. Knowing of your good intentions, I'm sure that you would not wish to place a poor spider out on the street with no prospects in life and no place to rest my weary eight legs. If I had a cousin to go live with, or perhaps I knew of a motel that would accept spiders, I would gladly move out from underneath your sink! But alas, I do not have a cousin to live with, nor do I know of a motel that would accept a spider moving in.
Perhaps we could come to some sort of arrangement. I understand if you no longer can have freeloaders living underneath your sink, and I would gladly be willing to attempt some form of payment in return. Perhaps I could help with other spiders trying to sneak into your house, or I could set up some sort of quota of flies to get rid of, if you catch my drift. Honestly, I would prefer to move out. Nothing against you or your bathroom, but living underneath someone's sink was not my plan in life. I had hoped to achieve more with my short time on this earth, but times are hard, as I'm sure you know, and I really only plan to be living underneath this sink for just a little bit longer, only I can get back on my feet, so to speak.
I appreciate your concern with my weight, and I'm glad that you do not desire me to suffer and only wish a quick death on me. My unhealthy appearance does happen to correspond with the lack of insects in the immediate area around me, though I do not think that the bug trap is the cause. I can still consume bugs stuck on the trap, if I'm careful. No, I'm afraid that bugs are just not coming in to your house as much as they used to. It makes a poor spider's life much more difficult when food cannot be found easily. I'm not saying that I wouldn't mind working for food, of course, but seeing how I've only survived this long by hiding under the sink, a travel across the house to find food seems to be a near-suicide mission.
Regardless, I hope that we can come to a civil agreement that results in the least amount of death between us. I will gladly pay rent to stay under your sink, and I promise that once I am able to move out, I will move out immediately. Thank you for your understanding in this difficult situation.
My regards,
-The Spider Living Underneath Your Sink
I feel sorry to inform you that I'm unable to move immediately from the underneath the sink; see, I've no where to move to. Knowing of your good intentions, I'm sure that you would not wish to place a poor spider out on the street with no prospects in life and no place to rest my weary eight legs. If I had a cousin to go live with, or perhaps I knew of a motel that would accept spiders, I would gladly move out from underneath your sink! But alas, I do not have a cousin to live with, nor do I know of a motel that would accept a spider moving in.
Perhaps we could come to some sort of arrangement. I understand if you no longer can have freeloaders living underneath your sink, and I would gladly be willing to attempt some form of payment in return. Perhaps I could help with other spiders trying to sneak into your house, or I could set up some sort of quota of flies to get rid of, if you catch my drift. Honestly, I would prefer to move out. Nothing against you or your bathroom, but living underneath someone's sink was not my plan in life. I had hoped to achieve more with my short time on this earth, but times are hard, as I'm sure you know, and I really only plan to be living underneath this sink for just a little bit longer, only I can get back on my feet, so to speak.
I appreciate your concern with my weight, and I'm glad that you do not desire me to suffer and only wish a quick death on me. My unhealthy appearance does happen to correspond with the lack of insects in the immediate area around me, though I do not think that the bug trap is the cause. I can still consume bugs stuck on the trap, if I'm careful. No, I'm afraid that bugs are just not coming in to your house as much as they used to. It makes a poor spider's life much more difficult when food cannot be found easily. I'm not saying that I wouldn't mind working for food, of course, but seeing how I've only survived this long by hiding under the sink, a travel across the house to find food seems to be a near-suicide mission.
Regardless, I hope that we can come to a civil agreement that results in the least amount of death between us. I will gladly pay rent to stay under your sink, and I promise that once I am able to move out, I will move out immediately. Thank you for your understanding in this difficult situation.
My regards,
-The Spider Living Underneath Your Sink