An Open Letter to the Spider Living Underneath My Bathroom Sink
Oh. It's you again. I haven't seen you in a while. I was hoping you might have been caught in my spider trap over there, or maybe died of natural causes. It's not that I have anything against you as a spider. You're quite a fine spider, if I do say so myself. It's nothing personal. I'd be against anything living underneath my bathroom sink. Unfortunately, that just so happens to be you.
I'm surprised you've lived this long. What, with the spider trap and the time I sprayed under the sink to try to kill you. I'm genuinely surprised you've lasted this long. You look a little thin and small for someone of your age and type. Have you not been getting enough to eat lately? Has the trap I've set up been depriving you of your food source? If so, I am genuinely sorry. I don't want for you to suffer. Honestly. I just wanted you to die quickly.
You know, every time I see you, I just wish I had a shoe or something to squash you right then and there, but you always move away too quickly or are in an unreachable corner. It's quiet infuriating, honestly. If you could stop that, it would be much appreciated.
I wouldn't say I hate you, necessarily. It's more of a professional dislike. If it weren't for the fact that you're currently living underneath my sink, I wouldn't have any issues against you. I wouldn't mind seeing you occasionally out in the field or underneath a rock or a stump. I honestly wouldn't. I just wish you weren't living underneath my bathroom sink.
I have nothing against spiders. Really. You guys are great. You keep the fly population down (and I will honestly say that I hate flies regardless of where they live) and other bug populations. You make fantastic webs that look stunning when they're covered with dew and are hit with the morning light. You are really fantastic creature. I mean, eight legs! What could be cooler?
But I'm afraid I will have to kill you on sight if you don't leave immediately. I know, it seems grim and cruel, but I really don't mean it personally. I have nothing against you and the life you've chosen. The only choice I wish you hadn't made is moving under my bathroom sink.
So I'm afraid I've been forced to give you this letter. There's only one viable course of action for you to take. Vacate immediately. Please. I'd rather not have to expend any more energy to get rid of you. If you do not vacate these premises immediately, I will be forced to take drastic action, and I think we both know what that means.
I'm trying to be civil about this, and I'd be much appreciated if you would show that same civility to me and leave immediately.
All the best,
-Me, the Owner of the Sink You Are Living Underneath
I'm surprised you've lived this long. What, with the spider trap and the time I sprayed under the sink to try to kill you. I'm genuinely surprised you've lasted this long. You look a little thin and small for someone of your age and type. Have you not been getting enough to eat lately? Has the trap I've set up been depriving you of your food source? If so, I am genuinely sorry. I don't want for you to suffer. Honestly. I just wanted you to die quickly.
You know, every time I see you, I just wish I had a shoe or something to squash you right then and there, but you always move away too quickly or are in an unreachable corner. It's quiet infuriating, honestly. If you could stop that, it would be much appreciated.
I wouldn't say I hate you, necessarily. It's more of a professional dislike. If it weren't for the fact that you're currently living underneath my sink, I wouldn't have any issues against you. I wouldn't mind seeing you occasionally out in the field or underneath a rock or a stump. I honestly wouldn't. I just wish you weren't living underneath my bathroom sink.
I have nothing against spiders. Really. You guys are great. You keep the fly population down (and I will honestly say that I hate flies regardless of where they live) and other bug populations. You make fantastic webs that look stunning when they're covered with dew and are hit with the morning light. You are really fantastic creature. I mean, eight legs! What could be cooler?
But I'm afraid I will have to kill you on sight if you don't leave immediately. I know, it seems grim and cruel, but I really don't mean it personally. I have nothing against you and the life you've chosen. The only choice I wish you hadn't made is moving under my bathroom sink.
So I'm afraid I've been forced to give you this letter. There's only one viable course of action for you to take. Vacate immediately. Please. I'd rather not have to expend any more energy to get rid of you. If you do not vacate these premises immediately, I will be forced to take drastic action, and I think we both know what that means.
I'm trying to be civil about this, and I'd be much appreciated if you would show that same civility to me and leave immediately.
All the best,
-Me, the Owner of the Sink You Are Living Underneath